Well, well, well. I’m not going to give much of an introduction here, as I’ve put all my trust into the fact that you read the previous post. This post is mainly for you nay-sayers, who feel that companies will think you’re too idiotic to be dignified with a response if you ask them to ‘return the favour’. McDonald’s didn’t think so, and they’ve served ‘over 99 billion’. How many have people have you served? Yeah, that’s what I thought. So, I present to you, an exaggerated case (but an entirely legitimate email that I did, indeed, send, after getting excited over McDonald’s car window stickers) that hopes to dispel any ideas that a company won’t send you cool stuff because you’ll sound like a moron for asking. I made a good effort to sound like a moron, just to make sure – let’s see what happened…
“Dear McDonald's,
I have been a lifelong fan of yours.
We started our relationship with Happy Meals and the McPlayground, meandered through Quarter Pounders and the Euro Saver Menu, and eventually matured, bursting into Big Mac and McNugget heaven. For years I have cruised through the McDrive entrance longing for a varied selection of the diverse menu items that appear on the billboard before me, with faux-attempts to hold back my intense feelings of desire and salivation. But, this is easier said than done my friends, as the Big Mac and Chicken McNuggets have a gravitational pull stronger than that of the moon.
So, here I present to you my problem and my solution: the problem being diversity, variance, ambition, interchangeability, experimentation...the lack of it; the solution being motivation...by you.
Nothing can ever separate me from the Big Mac and Chicken McNuggets. We share a bond, spiritually and emotionally. But what I would like, is not to simply sit back and ignore them (an impossible task anyway, I know), but to satisfy my taste buds with the other McUnderdogs of the menu. I think we can all agree that menu items such as the M and the Big Tasty look ravishing, but with all due respect, they just don't have the gusto to rob the Big Mac of its crown. Revisiting the relationship metaphor, I want the Big Mac to be like a wife to me, while keeping the underdogs as my mistresses. I know this sounds sleazy on my part, but you have nothing to worry about. I would never order from Burger King, although I did recently have a dream where I hit rock bottom and went to KFC.
You're probably wondering why I don't just take the initiative, be the hero, and make the order myself. Well, McComrades, this is like asking a heavy smoker to just click his or her fingers and quit. The will power involved is astonishing and overpowering. If I tried to pull off something of that magnitude by myself, I could end up in a dark alleyway at 3 a.m. with the Colonel pointing a gun and a Zinger Twister to my head. However, I think you and I can strike a deal here. You know, help me to help you. On my most recent international McDonald's trip in Slovakia, I discovered that there are certain amenities available to paying customers over there that are out of reach for us Irish customers, for example, the 'McDrive Club' car stickers. In an act of passion and fanaticism, I plastered these stickers all over my car. Three on the back window, and one for every other window of the car. After my car was McPimped, I rushed straight to the McDrive (not greatly exceeding the 50 km/h speed limit, but I did break it once or twice), and was literally a slip of the tongue away from ordering the Chicken Legend. Then, it struck me. The free gifts that McDonald's gives me (e.g. the McDrive Club stickers) are my carrot on the end of the stick. They are what motivate me to break the barrier, reach my potential, and discover the rest of the menu.
Here is my proposition: since I am advertising for you without charge wherever I drive, and your promotions, gifts, and memorabilia encourage me to be generally a better person, would you be so kind to send me anything you feel would be of value to me? Just think to yourselves, "if I was McDonald's number one fan, what would I want them to send me?" I have enclosed a couple of pictures of my car, which don't really do it justice to be honest, but I just wanted to prove to you that I am over 12 years old and am not living in some sort of gingerbread house.
Vouchers, stickers, recipes, anything you can think of, just send them to:
(My address, which I’m obviously not posting on this site, you clown)
We started our relationship with Happy Meals and the McPlayground, meandered through Quarter Pounders and the Euro Saver Menu, and eventually matured, bursting into Big Mac and McNugget heaven. For years I have cruised through the McDrive entrance longing for a varied selection of the diverse menu items that appear on the billboard before me, with faux-attempts to hold back my intense feelings of desire and salivation. But, this is easier said than done my friends, as the Big Mac and Chicken McNuggets have a gravitational pull stronger than that of the moon.
So, here I present to you my problem and my solution: the problem being diversity, variance, ambition, interchangeability, experimentation...the lack of it; the solution being motivation...by you.
Nothing can ever separate me from the Big Mac and Chicken McNuggets. We share a bond, spiritually and emotionally. But what I would like, is not to simply sit back and ignore them (an impossible task anyway, I know), but to satisfy my taste buds with the other McUnderdogs of the menu. I think we can all agree that menu items such as the M and the Big Tasty look ravishing, but with all due respect, they just don't have the gusto to rob the Big Mac of its crown. Revisiting the relationship metaphor, I want the Big Mac to be like a wife to me, while keeping the underdogs as my mistresses. I know this sounds sleazy on my part, but you have nothing to worry about. I would never order from Burger King, although I did recently have a dream where I hit rock bottom and went to KFC.
You're probably wondering why I don't just take the initiative, be the hero, and make the order myself. Well, McComrades, this is like asking a heavy smoker to just click his or her fingers and quit. The will power involved is astonishing and overpowering. If I tried to pull off something of that magnitude by myself, I could end up in a dark alleyway at 3 a.m. with the Colonel pointing a gun and a Zinger Twister to my head. However, I think you and I can strike a deal here. You know, help me to help you. On my most recent international McDonald's trip in Slovakia, I discovered that there are certain amenities available to paying customers over there that are out of reach for us Irish customers, for example, the 'McDrive Club' car stickers. In an act of passion and fanaticism, I plastered these stickers all over my car. Three on the back window, and one for every other window of the car. After my car was McPimped, I rushed straight to the McDrive (not greatly exceeding the 50 km/h speed limit, but I did break it once or twice), and was literally a slip of the tongue away from ordering the Chicken Legend. Then, it struck me. The free gifts that McDonald's gives me (e.g. the McDrive Club stickers) are my carrot on the end of the stick. They are what motivate me to break the barrier, reach my potential, and discover the rest of the menu.
Here is my proposition: since I am advertising for you without charge wherever I drive, and your promotions, gifts, and memorabilia encourage me to be generally a better person, would you be so kind to send me anything you feel would be of value to me? Just think to yourselves, "if I was McDonald's number one fan, what would I want them to send me?" I have enclosed a couple of pictures of my car, which don't really do it justice to be honest, but I just wanted to prove to you that I am over 12 years old and am not living in some sort of gingerbread house.
Vouchers, stickers, recipes, anything you can think of, just send them to:
(My address, which I’m obviously not posting on this site, you clown)
Thank you McDonald's, much love to you from your number one fan,
Craig”
To be honest, my feelings were a little hurt because I didn’t get any personal message back, but the main mission was accomplished.
It doesn’t take a long-winded, ridiculous email like this one to get some pretty sweet stuff either, just send whoever it is a quick paragraph and you’re likely to get more back than the effort you put in. You’ve read enough for today, you’ve been very good; so I’ll leave you with one final, important piece of information: NOTHING at McDonald’s is better than the Big Mac or Chicken McNuggets, so don’t even bother.
